Cookie-cutter Critic Pillows

"They see you when you're sleeping - They know when you're awake..."

No-Work Orange

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

The Last upper: Novus Ordo Style

'It'll never work. I'm reading 'Of Mice And men' and you haven't even gotten through 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie,.'

"Perhaps I should have warned you...They really don't like wholemeal bread."

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"The cookies are always stale."

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

"Med Brittle"

Build the Wall Back Better

'Forget the artwork who made the martinis?!'

"I got horse dewormer..."

I feel like I'm starting to hate everyone, doc. Dr. Noodle. I hate the stranger who shook his head in disgust at me when he saw I was in an interracial relationship. I hate the lady who cut me off in traffic and almost ran me off the road this morning. I hate the dentist who convinced me I needed a $350 mouth guard when I could've bought one just as good for $25 at Target. I hate the girl scout who sold me six disgusting boxes of ten-year-old Samoa cookies. That's ... ten? I hate myself for not

Candy Land for Adults

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

'These fortune cookies are outdated. They quote Greenspan instead of Bernanke.'

"If art was meant to be understood by the common man then the common man would have a degree in art appreciation."

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

Jane Chastain

"I don't know - none of these cookies offer an engaging brand narrative."

'Kevin's Mom makes wonderful cookies. Let's go over to Eddie's house. His Mom makes wonderful lemonade.'

'These are Trans-Fat free, right?'

"Run! It's Armagluten!"

'I'm putting my husband's card in the bag too... he's a Dentist.'

'A rodent Jelly Cake! Thanks Mum and Dad!'

'I hate chocolates that are gooey inside but I love Valentine's cards that are all gooey inside.'

"She keeps trying to mold me into her own image."

Bar None

"Well, thanks for the box of raisins, but we can't promise you a very good Trick or Treat rating on Yelp."

'No fortune cookies please - I don't want to get my hopes up.'

'Owing to the very real threat of biscuit-related injuries, the snack of choice for meetings will now be blancmange.'