Conversational Wizard Gifts

"And she's an interesting conversationalist, too."

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

"Your vocabulary is enlarged."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Name your sources."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

Sports Radio in Crisis

'With this organ transplant, you may find yourself doing a lot of thinking with your heart,'

This reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, is it true that most people need to improve their listening skills?" Sure, I enjoy the glistening hills.

"So your successful fantasy novels are based on your own experiences....can you elaborate on that?"

The Art of Bantering!

'Sir, we have a problem. The attorney section is totally overcrowded!' (demon to Satan)

'This morning a rumor that we would buy the Arpex Corp drove our stock up $3. Around noon a rumor that Arpex would buy us drove it up another $3. And in the afternoon a rumor that wo have nothing to do with Arpex drove it up $3 more.'

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

"Miss. Wilcox, get me the coast."

"This big eraser? It's for graphic novels."

'Why do I always get a teaching assistant whose pronunciation is awful?'

'Despite anosmia she fonded her penuche.'

At 4 years old most kids can say easy straightforward sentences.

The Town Tweeter

"Let's save some time, shall we?... Yes, no, for about five years, since I was a small boy, yes, I can start on Monday. Thanks, bye."

"My therapist says you have to at least meet me half way."

'I wonder if TED ever listens.'

'Well, if this book doesn't send you to sleep nothing will.'

"Socrates, you have an answer for everything, you can convince anyone of anything, and you know everything. You ought to become a lawyer."

Scottish Dialect

'Dad, you have to understand me. . . when I realized he was not prince Charming I was already in love with him.'

A Crossword puzzle.

Motion denied. Your lips say "motion denied," but your eyes say "approach the bench."

"I'm afraid the turnout isn't as high as we'd hoped, three of them misheard the date; five got the time wrong and everyone from sales went to a hotel in Scarborough by mistake!"

Bob kept missing the point and was forced to wait around for the next one.

'Well, how did he react? Was it that scowling-grunt of no way, or that raised-eyebrows-grunt of just maybe?'

"Behold, for I have received a text message!"