Communication Wizards Gifts

'I wonder if TED ever listens.'

"Behold, for I have received a text message!"

"Don't worry, I welcome stupid questions because I have plenty of stupid answers."

"My birth was such a shock to me . . . I couldn't talk for two years."

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

How to deliver a successful presentation.

"Can you tell the oak tree to tell the birch tree to tell the elm tree I said hi?"

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

Letter Collecting Nerd

"'Original' to 'Carbon-Paper': Do you copy?"

Twitter censorship

'Let us pray...'

"So who is this First pet?"

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

Birds on a wire, "Bernie?...Oh he's gone cable!"

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

Remember, honey, abracadabra doesn't work anymore. Now it's command, option, shift.

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'How fast can you hype?'

F&E Diner. I'll bet you want the alphabet soup, right? Hey! Don't put words in my mouth!

"Eye of Newt, wing of bat, let's instagram it!"

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

"Once you get over the three hundred and sixty eight texts it took to plan this, it really is nice to get together."

The Horn of Unanswered Email

The Communicator

This reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, is it true that most people need to improve their listening skills?" Sure, I enjoy the glistening hills.

"Cancel my landline...are you crazy?"

"That's his answer to everything!"

"Our system's been cracked. How is that even possible?"

"I need a more interactive you."

He'll be fine after you reboot him, I've replaced his memory stick.

'I don't get it. He's got only one tongue and two ears, but he talks twice as much as he listens.'