Consumer Insight Guru T-Shirts

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Target your customer.

Business is off the chart.

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'It's perfect, but can we see it in white?'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Sign Reform

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"'C' is for free CONTENT!"

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

Your ad here!

A close shave on the Titanic...

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

'I was headhunted.'

Early man learns that by walking upright, his hands become free to do many useful things.

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Smoke and Mirrors: Harold couldn't work out why his new store wasn't getting any customers.

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

'I think it's time to reboot your fiscal compass.'

"The key to success is knowing what people want. Too bad it isn't knowing what people don't want."

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

"My loophole out-loopholes your loophole."

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

"I think you'd make a persuasive salesman."

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'