Conservative Conversationalist Pillows

'I said what I thought, then I apologized when I started losing advertisers. What does that make me?'

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'...can you tell me how to blame Obama for all that?'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

A lesson in wit

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'I don't think you're trying hard enough to look at things from the sinner's perspective, Reverend.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

Bla Bla Bla

'He was too chatty. I don't like small talk. Too much gibber, not enough jabber.'

'...and in my opinion the whole world's gone barmy.'

"I just wanted you to hear it from me first, before you read it in the sky."

'How are you keeping?'