Conservative Conversationalist Pillows

'I said what I thought, then I apologized when I started losing advertisers. What does that make me?'

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'...can you tell me how to blame Obama for all that?'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

A lesson in wit

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, How come there never seems to be any penalty for pundits who turn out to be wrong all the time? - Andy, Los Angeles. Actual reader question. Excellent question. Unfortunately, answering that question would lead to a stock market collapse ... Which would be just the sign of weakness that the Dutch have been looking for. I'll answer you if you really want to wake up to the sound of 500,000 clogs bearing down on you. Ask Sadie questions at asksadie@rudypark.com.

'I don't think you're trying hard enough to look at things from the sinner's perspective, Reverend.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

Bla Bla Bla

'...I said, well now that they've reached saturation point at least they're not making so many...'

"I just wanted you to hear it from me first, before you read it in the sky."

'How are you keeping?'