Opinionated Conversationalist Pillows

"Look, I've got nothing against globalization, just as long as it's not in my backyard."

"I don't consider myself as intolerant."

'...can you tell me how to blame Obama for all that?'

Politician wants to cover his tracks

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Jokes machine.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

The Algonquin Round Table

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

A lesson in wit

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Bat out of Hell

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'