Conscious Conversationalist Gifts

Prisoner speech

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

A lesson in wit

Statue of Christopher Columbus

"My salad days have all turned to coleslaw..."

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'I don't think you're trying hard enough to look at things from the sinner's perspective, Reverend.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

Bla Bla Bla