Concert Critic Pillows

"The music was so loud I couldn't hear myself talk."

Pianist being pelted with tomatoes.

No Elgar!

Piano Recital

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"That's not a progress chart, that's the bosses salary chart!"

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Theaters from Hell' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Of course I'm going to give him a tip - he should take lessons!"

'What was the first music they ever said 'this isn't even music' about?'

"I'm astounded that your dog is channeling Eubie Blake! Has he never heard of Elton John?"

The Music Critic.

'Horace spends his spare time being a rock critic.'

"This next song is about narrow-minded record executives and their reluctance to take a chance on anything a bit different."

Philip Larkin

"No concert bookings for at least two weeks. Restringing..."

An Audio Technician's Pocket Knife

"You play that song once more and I'll break both your hands!"

A singer being criticised

"You're supposed to buy your alcohol here, not bring it with you!"

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

'I hate these purists who play Bach without any pedal'

"Now, how many of you liked the viola player best?"

James Levine

Snake Eats the Snake Charmer.

"What do you mean, who are my influences?"

"I don't do spells. I'm a wizard at deciphering rap lyrics."

The New York Times-Carnegie Hall Poll