Composer Chuckle Pillows

'I don't know Jake 'The Bartok Brothers' doesn't have the right ring to it.'

"The subwoofers really help."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

The Big Four debate banking ethics

Keyboard in Heaven

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

"Would you like a 'scratching' or 'non-scratching' room?"

Cowboy posting notices saying WANTED...FOR FLYPOSTING

'You were afraid for the drill?'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

"I keep getting into a flap."

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"What's all this I've been hearing about the Cloud?"

Yoga - moooooooo.

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

"My wife took up walkin' a mile a day five years ago. Haven't seen her since!" "Lucky son of a..."

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

What your acoustic guitar says about you

'Your dog's paper trained too, huh?'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

Bike Week

'We have weapons of mass disruption.'

"I didn't jump, I fell asleep waiting."

'Couldn't get insurance for my sled.'

'Was that you who screamed?'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'