Competitive Parents Pillows

'You may have had a bigger bouncy castle at your party, Chloe, but did you parents lay on a display by the Red Arrows?'

'My kid is going to Harvard, and Jim's son to Stanford- which college accepted yoyr kid, Fred? ( pix of clown on desk)

"Do I read better than Mommy?"

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Yummy Mummies

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'Still having problems finding a baby sitter?'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

"Am I through to the next round?"

"It's a GPS for busy executive mom. It tells you if your coming or going and when you'll get there!"

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

The young Michael Phelps: 'Just another four laps and I'll get out!'

'As your doctor, I'd strongly advise that you not laugh at your wife when you beat her at tennis!'

'I have her registered in a pre-med nursery program.'

'How did our summer vacation turn intoa summer job??'

The relay race

'We need a dog!'

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

Baby Footballer

"I think we need to spend more time with the children...how many have we got?"

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

'When I want to watch a realistic comedy about a working mom, I'll look in the mirror.'

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"Amazing how having a six month old baby can motivate you to stay at the office for 16 hours a day!"

"They've been playing Big Brother again"

Be A Doctor

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Our training on managing a work life balance is running late so you'll need to get someone to pick your kids up."