Compensation Crackerjack Gifts

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'Ladies and gents, the executive-worker pay ratio is not what it used to be!'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

The Birth of a Lawsuit

How The Ice Age Began: 'OK, can we freeze it right there...'

'This is your lucky day!'

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

"You should probably pass if they offer stock options."

'I do my best work when I'm being paid a huge salary.'

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

I dread to think what he would have got had they made a profit.

"I'm afraid it's a bad case of libel!"

"Hold on - 1...2...3...?"

'I've just found out we make cubicles.'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

'...My mistake, that was our monthly profit estimate, not our yearly estimate.'

"Mr. Packard will sue you now."

'He's been driven mad by reading about all these huge litigation cases...'

"I never ask for a raise any more. I just hack into the boss's computer and give myself one."

"The salary is excellent and the benefits are outstanding. So... which would you prefer?"

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

Employee Benefits

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

Been Injured In An Accident That Wasn't Your Fault! Call...Wilbur & Ohnson.

"Damn shareholders are objecting to 'grotesquely inflated' executive pay... They want us to settle for 'outrageously inflated'!"

'What do you mean you want a pay rise??? You only work once a year!!!'

Boardroom salaries

Boss in Office: 'We've had to recalibrate the bonus system - you now owe us five years worth of luncheon vouchers.'

"Since when did the bonus program default to passing the hat"