Company Executive Gifts

Panel discussion: absenteeism in the workplace.

'Well the good news is that you will be the team leader...the bad news...you are the team.'

'We were in the right place at the right time, but unfortunately, we were in the wrong time zone.'

'I don't call expanding to New Jersey thinking globally.'

'I'm concerned gentlemen. Very concerned!'

"What the large print giveth. . .the small print taketh away."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'..and finally we come to a problem that can be solved by throwing money at it...'

'I reviewed the figures. The consultant saved us a bundle but cost us a larger bundle.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"So that's agreed then, we don't need to make any changes to our equal opportunities employment practices!"

'After months of analysing, we found out how to stop your downgoing profits: just find more customers who want to buy your products.'

"I have the profit sharing figures. You owe the company �2,367.25."

Complaining employee

'It says our line printer is obsolete our remote terminal is obsolete, and I'm afraid, we're obsolete.'

'Thank you for calling our customer help centre. We are open 24 hours, to serve you, but not continuously. Please call back later.'

'You're just not showing the company spirit we expect from a no benefits, temporary, part time worker.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

'No wonder we're losing money! --This organizational chart is upside down!'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Haffner, what's this I hear that you're a whistleblower?'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'Oh yeah, our people will just fall over themselves to get transferred to this office.'

Superior Trout Flies, Inc. - "Is there any truth to the nasty rumor that you have been known to fish with worms?"

'Bob's served the company as man and boy, and as cantankerous old moaner who doesn't understand IT.'

'You've been loyal for years, Rufus. The time has finally come to shaft you.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'We've got a high staff fluctuation, that's why it's not worth furnishing the offices.'

"Our customers have voted our service the most arrogant and incompetent. From now on we can call ourselves an award winning company!"

"I'm proud to accept this award on behalf of our dedicated employees. Ahh! I think that stupid thing broke my foot!"

'And the best thing is we pass the savings on to no one.'

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

Vulture sitting on company profits graph.