Company Cutback Comic Gifts

'What's the smallest budget you can manage on?'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

Executive gym with briefcases for weights.

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

"Unless one is a humorist, Haskins. One should avoid attempts at humor."

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

"Good boy, what a good boy. You're hired."

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

"The only reason I'm firing you for your suggestion is because you signed yours."

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'This company wants someone who can screw the clients but who is quite happy to be screwed by me.'

"It's late. I am not getting into another heated discussion with you."

"When you promised me 'a set of wheels', I assumed a company car."

"You've been replaced by a new AI program, but we can keep you on until it's finished it's vacation."

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

'All of your references say you play well with others, but there's nothing in here about you actually doing any work.'