Comic Relief Practitioner Pillows

'I think your problem is lack of self-control.' 'Why, I oughta...'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"I'm trying to create a hologram of myself. If I'm successful, I'll never have to attend school, go to the dentist or go anywhere else that's boring again."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

The First Printed Bible

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

Calm down...this is for your own good.

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"It's a wheeble or some such thing, but still no sign of a deoderant."

How's my driving?