Comic Relief Bringer Pillows

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

"April Fool's on her!"

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

"Guess what, Margaret. I've been upsourced."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Squirrel Chasing a Dog

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Society for the preservation of dragons - "You don't want them to become extinct do you."

'Every night it's the same - always my turn to put the Bally Cat out!'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

Super Heroes.

'It's good to be here. We're having economic problems where we come from.'

In a cycle - one bucket out, one bucket in.

"Did you check the SPF, dear?"

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

"Eat me"

My God, I need to fart.

No littering...

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

"Wait—what did I come into this room to do?"

The Alpha Seltzer

'You're not supposed to catch them!'

"Any of you guys feel like hot dogs?"

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

When Dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

'I say we invade and secure all those renewable resources.'

"What part of 'giddyup' don't you understand?"

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."