Comedy Central Gifts

Tear Along this Line.

El Seis De Mayo

Zombie standup

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

Stand-up Romcom

"That'll be five bucks."

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Standard & Poor

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

"Wilson, you're still using those training wheels?!"

Double Saxophone

Yakety-Yak

America's funniest election gaffes

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'