Comedy Central Gifts

Tear Along this Line.

El Seis De Mayo

Zombie standup

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

Stand-up Romcom

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

Standard & Poor

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

Double Saxophone

"Don't go in there!!"

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

Yakety-Yak

Robber on treadmill

The first case of resume padding.

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

"Wilson, you're still using those training wheels?!"

America's funniest election gaffes

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.