Comedies Gifts

"Stockings and guns are allowed, but you can only claim a portion of your car. How often was it used to get away?"

'That's Samuelson. He's been with the company since Day One!'

Acupuncture darts.

'This house was owned by a famous 'Western' movie star!'

'Tell me again why we are afraid of chairs.'

"And it turned out that the e-mail I binned really was from a Nigerian oil millionaire wanting to give me ?200 million."

Rip Van Winkle, "He's survived the operation, now he's sleeping peacefully."

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

Suspense

'Do you want it parted in the middle?'

'I tried my best, but I couldn't make them BOTH lose!'

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'Turn yourself in by midnight tomorrow and you'll avoid the late charge.'

"Late, as usual."

"I considered becoming a vegan but I'm trying to make my social media profile a little less annoying."

"We gotta find out who's responsible for all these leaks!"

Lassie's career comes to a screeching halt.

The Nuptials of Miss Pecksniff Receive a Temporary Check

'You'll get him back one way or another... my brother is a taxidermist.'

"Hello. . . I was canvassing the local area, and I thought I'd call on you. . ."

'His 'get-up-and-go' got up and went ages ago'

Roue FatiguePlease Help.

'To put it in simple English, all you have to do is put a few drops...

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Kids lie about watching TV. Boy says: 'It's all Bob the Builder, Fireman Sam, Postman Pat ... I'm exhausted just watching it.'

'Hi. I'm Don.'

'Not all my kids went to the dogs...some of them went to the cats.'

'When you said the tractor was down, I thought...'

"You look so different without your beard!"

101 uses of a dead cat: cigarette dispenser

Kali using underarm deoderant spray.

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'

'I'm sorry dinner took so long. Your pork chop got stuck in the toaster.'

'That is the last time we will ask an actor to cut a cake.'

"Look, baby, I haven't much time. I'm only a twenty-four virus, you know."