Comedies Gifts

"Stockings and guns are allowed, but you can only claim a portion of your car. How often was it used to get away?"

'That's Samuelson. He's been with the company since Day One!'

Acupuncture darts.

'This house was owned by a famous 'Western' movie star!'

'Tell me again why we are afraid of chairs.'

"And it turned out that the e-mail I binned really was from a Nigerian oil millionaire wanting to give me ?200 million."

Suspense

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

Rip Van Winkle, "He's survived the operation, now he's sleeping peacefully."

"Late, as usual."

'I tried my best, but I couldn't make them BOTH lose!'

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'Turn yourself in by midnight tomorrow and you'll avoid the late charge.'

"I considered becoming a vegan but I'm trying to make my social media profile a little less annoying."

To catch a predator: Animal planet edition,

Lassie's career comes to a screeching halt.

'Do you want it parted in the middle?'

"Hello. . . I was canvassing the local area, and I thought I'd call on you. . ."

'You'll get him back one way or another... my brother is a taxidermist.'

The Nuptials of Miss Pecksniff Receive a Temporary Check

"We gotta find out who's responsible for all these leaks!"

'To put it in simple English, all you have to do is put a few drops...

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Roue FatiguePlease Help.

'Hi. I'm Don.'

'Not all my kids went to the dogs...some of them went to the cats.'

Kids lie about watching TV. Boy says: 'It's all Bob the Builder, Fireman Sam, Postman Pat ... I'm exhausted just watching it.'

'When you said the tractor was down, I thought...'

'His 'get-up-and-go' got up and went ages ago'

"You look so different without your beard!"

101 uses of a dead cat: cigarette dispenser

Kali using underarm deoderant spray.

"Tuesday night? Sorry, I'm busy: it's garbage-night in town..."

Nobody famous wanted to live here.

"Last night we watched three movies back to back. I was the one facing the telly."