Comedic Storytelling Enthusiast Pillows

"Good news, all the tests indicate the pain and swelling are a result of wearing your pants too high."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

The Harold Pinter theatre...

Furniture from hell.

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"The beginning of another urban legend."

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"