Comedic Storytelling Enthusiast Pillows

"Good news, all the tests indicate the pain and swelling are a result of wearing your pants too high."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

Furniture from hell.

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

The Harold Pinter theatre...

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

"The beginning of another urban legend."

I feel so blindsided. Laurel has a talking pet gerbil named Herbert. So? She wants to create a little family - the two of us, Herbert and Mortkey. On day, we're just two young lovers dating. The next: Boom! I'm cleaning Herbert's litter box.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"