Comedic Souls Pillows

"Hey! Skiing is fun. We just did a double green square, how hard can this be?"

Washing Machine Torture

'The girl I marry is going to have a condominium, a house in the country, a fancy car, and a good job to pay for it all.'

'It's a good bra... a man can open it with one hand.'

Get crazy once in a while

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

X-RAY

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"He's a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."

How cats see their home

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

'Nice this kite sailboat. But how do you actually land it?'

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

'I warned her that too much dieting could be a danger to her health!'

"I'm $37,000 in debt for my theatre degree. I may be acting, but my tears are real."

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

Birds in a birdhouse watching TV.

He's working his way up to lions!

'Man, why don't you get a life!'

"Hey, baby - that doesn't mean you!"

"I know you won the lottery George, but is this the best you can up with?"

'Yes, Master is drunk, but don't worry, I've stolen his car keys...'

"Your uniform has arrived for working for the royal male."

20 Volts for Wavy Hair, 50 Volts for Frizzy Hair, 100 Volts for Curly Hair and 500 Volts for Hair beyond description.

'The only good drive I made all morning was the ride back from the stupid golf course.'

Spider Facts.

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'

'When you invited me out fot dinner, I thought you meant...' 'Shhh!'

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"Do I look like the sort who knows anything about lawns?"