Comedic Socializer Pillows

'How do you do? I'll be your wife's ex-husband, when she gets around to divorcing me.'

Quiz Night...

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

The Janitor at the Harvard University Alumni Reunion is one of the Gang.

"Practicing my hate-face."

"Would you like to be notified by text when I'm bored and want to go home?"

"I finally lost a few ounces with my activity tracker. I took it off."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

The Devil's advocaat.

Getting old...

"I'll have a Bloody Mary. And bring a Witch Hazel and tonic for the little woman."

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

'She's spring cleaning and you?'

"Oh, no thank you. I’m rumaki-free."

Rusty and Molly's first date was going beautifully until the 'car tyre incident.

"I'm Generation Z. Nice to meet you."

Will Make You Sick So You Can Go Home.

"Every bar has its obnoxious drunk."

'I wish my wife would stop playing mind games with me. I'm tired of losing.'

'Your drink, madam. Courtesy of the gentlemen at the bar.'

Cliques Amongst Mathematicians.

It's called 'Pretentious.' It tastes like crap, but it's $100 per bottle!

'Well I'd love to stay and chat, but this is one of those 'get things done' days.'

"I moved here just six months ago and already I'm part of the local color."

"Of all the lazy, lowdown, deadbeat, pathetic losers you've ever met who had the most influence on you?"

"You're a plumber, I'm a doctor. Now that I've given you some free medical advice, how about stepping into my kitchen and fixing my leaky faucet?"

"David! It's only trendy to drink beer straight from the bottle!"

"Wrong hole!"

Too-Humble Pie.

"I've learned not to listen to critics who are right about me."

"You're rambling again Dennis."

'I'm going to have a few drinks with the guys...don't wait up for me.'

'For a laugh I decided to have a potato chip tattooed on my arm - but the thing about potato chips, you can never stop at just one!'

"Maybe we should change the name of the parish to something cool, like the Protestants do and add a coffee bar."