Comedic Personality T-Shirts

20 Volts for Wavy Hair, 50 Volts for Frizzy Hair, 100 Volts for Curly Hair and 500 Volts for Hair beyond description.

Big and Tall Men's Shop

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'Been waiting long?'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Harold insists on doing all his own stunts."

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Now cut that out!'

Hunter with arrow pointing at him.

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Monkey Business College

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

Jumble Sale

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

Tree growing

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

Jeff makes some nice jugs.

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."