Comedic Family Dynamics Fan Gifts

"On the other hand, Timmy. Fear of failure has kept daddy from ever being seriously injured."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"Nothing else in my room can spin on the floor like a bottle."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

A child as a pet substitute.

Lady asking her fiance's son if she can be his new mother.

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"Could you please downgrade this to a C? High expectations bring out the worst in my parents."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'So, you're an organ-grinder's monkey? A professional beggar? Is that how you intend to support my daughter?'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

'You are right, honey, it's raining too much. It's not the best day to visit my mom.'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"We need to have a serious talk."

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"