Comedic Contrast Seeker Pillows

'The new recruits don't seem to have the same gravitas for the calling.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

Pessimists v Optimists.

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'Pay no attention to him. He's just a disgruntled former employee.'

"Call me a hopeless romantic, but I assumed he was just inviting me."

"He's a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."

A man walking a bowling ball is about to walk into a woman walking a bunch of bowling pins

How cats see their home

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

When psychiatry works too well!

"Is there anybody there?"

Dog on skates.

"Did you watch the super bowl?"

'You have a comfortable home, three beautiful children, a husband who is devoted to you - what could you possibly want with nuclear capability?'

"I like to be disciplined about my writing, sharpening my pencils and organising my desk in the morning which leaves me time for writers block after lunch and a nervous breakdown in the evening."

"Now I'll read a selection from the book I have chosen. Sift a quarter cup of flour into a bowl. . ."

"I'm alright, it's my hair...I need more hairspray."

Tip jar at boxing match.

"I'm trying to find the end of this roll of tape ..."

"Wrong hole!"

"This model comes loaded with options, including a parking space in your neighborhood."

"Worst opening act ever. Did you know what a vuvuzela is?" "What?"

Wrong Side of the equator.

'All I see is red ink!'

'Uhh, maybe you should just play flute, Bob.'

Wanna step outside and say that?! Don't beat yourself up. At least not until you've put something on.

Murder Village - Bursts of street fighting every half hour

'Do you have something in mind?'

Workers in Hazmat suits make sweets

"....But....flu season's over."

'Calm down Harold, it's just a phase some teens go through. He just shaved his coloured feathers off to express his feminine side!'

'He's fine, fine, just recovering from a knockabout game of Ludo.'

I think it's time we started to see other people. This is so sudden when you consider...we met ten minutes ago.