Comedic Ailment Appreciator Pillows

'Good news hon' ! It's nothing serious! The doctor said it's just a simple case of Tennis Elbow!'

"My computer just texted me."

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

Glimpses One Dollar

"Hey! This is news."

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

"And my approval rating is sixty-two."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

Men and Women's changing rooms

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how attached are you to the cat?'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

Screenwasher cleaning buggy.

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

A truck full of radioactive waste with no particular place to go...

"What they hell are we looking at."

'Mismatched Mantras'

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

Horse bolts from Horse-box it sees in a carpark.

7 Dead Twits Pub & Alehouse - 'He's paying.'

"I know I encourage employees to take initiative, Tom... but I think you should change that back!"