Comedian With A Dark Edge T-Shirts

101 uses of a dead cat: toupee.

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

Rodin's Thinker.

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

Exit Next Left

Tim Burton

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Vampire coming out of a body piercing shop with a stake in his heart

Clubbing

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

Midwest Winter Items.

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman