Comedian's Choice Gifts

'Something that can seat four?Well, you're in luck... This little beauty came in today- and it's built for twenty.'

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

Memory Foam Mattress.

A man jumps out of a window to avoid an injection.

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

Stock Wanted

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

'We're not playing hide and seek. I'm just trying to find Marm to take him to the vet.'

Great literary festival heckles.

Don't even dream of parking here.

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

'Hey, maybe you need to work on your writing goodlymoreshun.'

'Sorry I'm late: It's hard to keep track of time when you work in complete darkness...'

"I need to lay off those seven birthday cakes a year."

'Your father told you to look both ways when crossing a four lane highway?'

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

'What fresh hell is this? I just spent 50 grand on hair plugs.'

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"We heard you were dying in here."

'It's no good telling me to eat my grees, Mum. You know I'm colour blind.'

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

"We're all out of trolleys so you're going to hell in a handbasket."

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

"You're doing it wrong."

"Relax, release and let go...."

Before settling on knives, the Swiss army tried lots of things... like this banana with tweezers and a corkscrew.

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"