Comedian Parents Gifts

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'

"And on tap I've got Enfamil, Isomil, and Gerber Lite."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

'Now dear, it may be Thanksgiving, but stop referring to your aunt's gallbladder as a giblet.'

"Before we begin, I think you should all know that I once smoked a reefer in 1935."

'He looks exactly like his father!'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

Beware of teething baby.

'Hey Dad, can I borrow the car?'

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Rex doesn't shake. He's a bit of a germaphobe."

"So much for eternal rest."

'I think my parents expected me to move out ages ago.'

"Your mother and I have seen your report card, and we've decided to distance ourselves from you."

'Dad's my roadie.'

"Whenever mom and dad go out without us, they suffer from whatever the opposite of separation anxiety is."

'That's the most extreme linear nigra I've ever seen!!'

'Oh, wonderful! All day I've been waiting for that burp!'

'Yeah, but how does the stork get into the maternity ward?'

"It's not easy, the constant demand for attention, the fussing and crying..."

'I understand you are going to be my son's teacher this year. Let me start off by saying: I am so so sorry!'

'Yes, Bobby, we are there. In fact, you can jump out any time you like.'

'If I want another drink I will have another drink, I wear the trousers in our house...'

Contraction Tipping Competition

"Those D's are misleading."