Comedian Parents Gifts

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'

"And on tap I've got Enfamil, Isomil, and Gerber Lite."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

'Now dear, it may be Thanksgiving, but stop referring to your aunt's gallbladder as a giblet.'

"Before we begin, I think you should all know that I once smoked a reefer in 1935."

'He looks exactly like his father!'

Beware of teething baby.

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

'Hey Dad, can I borrow the car?'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

"Rex doesn't shake. He's a bit of a germaphobe."

"So much for eternal rest."

'I think my parents expected me to move out ages ago.'

"Your mother and I have seen your report card, and we've decided to distance ourselves from you."

'Dad's my roadie.'

"Whenever mom and dad go out without us, they suffer from whatever the opposite of separation anxiety is."

'That's the most extreme linear nigra I've ever seen!!'

'Yeah, but how does the stork get into the maternity ward?'

'Oh, wonderful! All day I've been waiting for that burp!'

"It's not easy, the constant demand for attention, the fussing and crying..."

'I understand you are going to be my son's teacher this year. Let me start off by saying: I am so so sorry!'

'Yes, Bobby, we are there. In fact, you can jump out any time you like.'

'If I want another drink I will have another drink, I wear the trousers in our house...'

Contraction Tipping Competition

"Kaitlin! Daddy is trying to explain the infield fly rule!"

'All I'm saying is that maybe he doesn't want to sell girl scout cookies.'

'You're not old enough to make your own mistakes! Leave that to your father.'