Combustion Connoisseur Pillows

'I'm sorry, but I don't know anything about external combustion engines.'

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

The First Annual Game Show Week.

'Time to buy.'

"No party - it's for testing the atom smasher."

"This car is very fast and very expensive. Just how bad is your midlife crisis?"

I want a car that says 'I've arrived' but didn't use too much gas getting there.

Cigars for the Upcoming Bear Market

'He's just come back from another management training course.'

'Harold took the advice of the 'experts' and only invested in things he understood, which is why our portfolio consists entirely of Anheuser-Busch and Phillip Morris.'

"But you both can't be the 'father' of Ammonium Pentoxide Phosphate."

The Hybrid

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'...at least it's done something for our image.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'The new intelligent dummies aren't working out. They've figured out there's a break!'

'No - we really don't cater for vegans, even our salad dressing is made from sperm oil!'

Devil Smokes Cigar

Spot the Higgs Boson competition

Man's dentures hold cigar.

"When I left Princeton, I spent a summer briefcasing in Europe."

'Oh no! I've had tons wiped off my footprint.'

"Try getting life insurance when scientists are always supplying you with tobacco."

"I want one that's going to fall apart. . ."

The Very Best of JOHN DOE

'Well, as a matter of fact, I think you're a pinhead too!'

"Ralph said he'd give up cigars if I gave up Prince Charles and Di."

2020 Panic Room

Christmas card access

"My wife wants a perfume that'll make her irresistable. What have you got that smells like bourbon and cigars?"

Vladimir Ashkenazy

"I hate it when the baby f**ks my face."

"Chucky says he can buy and sell me."

'I gave up smoking, drinking and sex...It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.'

Nigel Farage