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Gretchen encounters the mother of all SAT questions.

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

Saving for College.

Overloaded with extracurricular activities, Griffin's body began to grow an extra brain to cope with it all.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

'After you ask him for the pony, ask him to pay for your college education.'

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

"So what happened between you and Estella?"

'I want to go out of town so that I can become a fully independent person, but near enough so that I can bring my laundry home.'

'With your liberal arts background, you should be able to walk into any employer's office and say with the utmost confidence, 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?''

"I try to get a head start on them."

Hey, Twig! Ryan Beardsley wants your cell phone number! The divine wonder of West Fester High? Finally! My life changes for the better. He needs activities for his college apps and wants to come to our shortest eco-club cleanup. Change you can believe in. West Fester High School.

Contest to enter the University

'And finally, if you're going to commit a felony, do it before ol' dad incurs the high cost of tuition.'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

'There was an old lady who had so many children she didn't know what to do, especially about college tuition.'

"Do you think about life after high school? Like...what are you taking when you go to college?"

Test preps, PSATs, SATs, AP courses, community service, 3 sports, 2 clubs and chorus

"Today we're filling out mock college applications."

"I'm afraid there's just so far you can go with street smarts."

"I've spent more sending my son on college campus tours than I did getting my degree."