College Prep Strategist Pillows

Even Ordinary People Pay Bribes to Get Their Kids Into College

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

Do your research!

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"How was work?"

Do you have any other skills?

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

"Maybe if I make myself inconspicuous I won't be called on."

'Not just my homework - The dog chewed up my whole LAPTOP!'

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'Thanks for the promotion offer but I was hoping to sleep my way to the top..'

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Good Luck!

'You have to STUDY for tests, dummy -- you can't just put a memory stick in your ear!'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

"Yes, I'm sure you do deserve further career advancement. But if I promote you again you'll have my job!"

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

"The itsy-bitsy spider went up the corporate ladder. And he didn't care how many lives he ruined along the way. I know, this isn't the book Simon & Schuster wants. But it's the damn truth."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

"Remember when everyone told you this job would lead you nowhere? Well, you've arrived!"

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

"If animals can be cloned, why can't homework be cloned?"

"I'm thinking that now is a good time to start those tutoring sessions."

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'I'm looking for a job that satisfies my lust for power.'

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

A man sitting in the grass reading