College Application Strategist T-Shirts

'We'll have to take this one - he invented the software we're using to make the selection.'

If your child doesn't have perfect grades or SATs, don't panic! Service work with the disadvantaged counts. Parent's night. Helping the poor looks great on college apps. Thanks heavens we didn't end poverty.

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'It's my application to Harvard...'

State U. He procrastinated and is now trying to do all the work for his middle English literature class in a couple of days. "Canterburied," is he?!

"Of course I'm not quitting school, Dad! If anything, I've learned that if you want to succeed, you need passion and leadership and a whatever-it-takes attitude!"

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

Boho Bribes

"Today we're filling out mock college applications."

'My kid is going to Harvard, and Jim's son to Stanford- which college accepted yoyr kid, Fred? ( pix of clown on desk)

Wow! Look at all these college brochures. You're soo popular! The top colleges in the country want me to apply! Um, Twig. You know they're trolling for applicants to boost their stupid rankings. That's ok. At least I'll be rejected by the very best! You can visit me at Harvard.

"I've spent more sending my son on college campus tours than I did getting my degree."

As he picked up the video game controller, the trap was sprung, and Ryan's mother forced him to fill out college applications.

"Cheer up, Nicole! What does Princeton know? Say, you got any plans for that last bit of cobbler?"

'Her special Talent is sulking.'

Look sharp, women! We're shooting video of our game. I hope it shows our huge victory! Goose! It's for seniors to send to college hockey recruiters. So? It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game!

How was your college tour? Good. Now I need straight A's and 375 extracurriculars to get in. You're exaggerating. Easy for you to say. You've got a 4.0. Yeah, but

Today we're making videos for college recruiters. We'll focus on your top field hockey assets. Becky's ball handling. Jen's power goals. Sarah's innovative kilt stylings. She's going into fashion design.

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

'Who do I talk to about getting a student loan?'

'Fellas, I swear I'll get you the money! Remember the money was for my kid's education.'

"Career plans? I'd like to go to college and major in googling."

NCAA Applications

Hoping to convince the university that he is worthy of a wrestling scholarship, Nick pins the director of admissions in 13 seconds.

"Now that my college of choice no longer requires the SAT, I'm relying more than ever on grade inflation."

It's nice to have a positive parents' night topic. College admissions. Hearing about drugs, depression and sexually transmitted diseases gets old. The 3 downer 'Ds'. Tonight we'll discuss your kids' futures in higher education. We'll cover drugs, depression, diseases and crushing debt. Correction. 4 'Ds'.