Collector Of Funny Office Stories Pillows

'Jack lost his job as a door-to-door salesman. He went through 7 cases of samples before ringing his first doorbell.'

Man to realtor: 'How much for a starter cubicle?'

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Friday

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

The new contract didn't leave him much room to maneuver his hoverdesk.

"If you'd like to take a seat."

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"Consider this job a reality show where you work your butt off 14 hours a day. If you win, you'll get a paycheck and the chance to do it all over again next week."

"Of course I have a life. Not one worth living, mind you."

'Productivity is up. Lay off a couple of more employees.'

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

"My assistant will show you the ropes."

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

"Stan, it's come to my attention that you have been creeping people out at work."

File Cabinets for Perfectionists

'And it's here, where we feel the bulk of our liquid assets are going.'

"Good news. You know that elephant in the room we never talk about? He's now in the other room."

Office zombie.

"Time to do it in!"

'This committee will have two functions - to execute my plans and to accept responsibility if they fail.'

'When 900 years you reach, retire, you will not.'

'Before I show you where you'll be working, let me just say that some companies use money as an incentive. I use Vito here.'

'Here's a signed statement from Vince Cable saying we can get rid of underperforming employees more easily.'

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

Your call is important to us...

"I am calling a meeting...I am calling it a waste of time."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"It's not that casual of a Friday!"

'We're not looking for someone who wants to run with the wolves. We're looking for someone who wants to run over them.'

'Sorry, Gowp, but I'm rteplacing you as Head of Advertising.'

To get you up to speed Higgins, we're in a cartoon and I'm about to say something clever.

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

''Casual Friday' does not mean you may unbutton your lip!'