Collecting Humorous Job Ads Gifts

Help wanted, MOE'S DAIRY: You must have herd mentality.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"What's your occupation?"

What do you think of the application so far?

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'Are you free at the moment?'

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"You are adequately qualified, Mr. Harris, but I'm afraid I'll be hiring somebody else as I don't think I can stand looking at your stupid little face all day long."

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

Salemen waiting outside buyers door, two are dead from waiting

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

Will work for question marks.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

'That's not a typo. It's a cool place to keep your lunch.'

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

"And this is our head of HR who will be arranging your contract."

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"What quality do you have, that will make us hire you as our new telephone support employee?"

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

'Have you worked at a non-profit before?' 'Yes! and believe it or not, they blamed me!'

'It's a fair severance offer. Why don't you sleep on it and let us know by the end of the day.' They were so on to him.

'Listen up, people. We've been commissioned to create an internationally-recognized symbol for isolation.'