Collecting Dark Humor Pillows

'First time, is it?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Out To Lurch

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

The practical psychopath

"How about if we just winter in hell?"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Housekeeping?!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

End the Winter Blues

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"