Cold Turkey Companion Pillows

'Since he stopped smoking, he doesn't know what to do with his mouth.'

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

Dolphin friendly tuna

"Look, children are just pathetic substitutes for people who can't have pets."

Reading the sports pages.

"So when my dad said I couldn't have a dog..."

"So you're anthropomorphic too? It's a small world."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

Skier and his dog.

Captain Corcoran, Commander of H.M.S. Pinafore

Running Latte

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

Man, I could destroy a chocolate donut with sprinkles right now

"This is nice. You have your knitting and I have my vodka."

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

"Love me?"

Love.

"It's one mile as the crow flies, ten miles as the lost hiker bushwhacks."

'Whatever happened to that platoon of GIs you used to pretend to be at bedtimes?'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

He's mumbling again! What do you think husbands dream about?

Man Diverts the Hunt...and hides the fox!

"Thing about human interest stories is, they always presume you're interested in humans."

'I can't go in there now, I'll look ridiculous.'

'How long has what been going on?'

"Want to go back to my place and take off our hats?"

Farmer eating lunch on resting cow.

Dog in the Bed.

"I made you a vest."

"Which side do you want?"

'When humans say they love animals, they mean pets. They sure don't mean us!'

'Well, your scales are flaking and it looks nasty, I'm trying to get you to shed before my parents come over tonight to meet you.'

'I'm not one for the birds and he IS my best mate!'