Cognition Connoisseur Pillows

"I no longer think, therefore I no longer am."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"You call this a constitution?"

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

Men gossiping

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

Convention for People Who Like to Attend Conventions.

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"My kid could do that."

"Can you take a video of me attacking the garbage so I can post it on Instagram?"

'If content is king, why doesn't anybody want to pay for it.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

S**t Threw a Goose

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

Somebody should really be filming this for YouTube.

'Oh-oh- planned obsolescence!'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

Brighter days are ahead. I love it when I hear that in both news and weather segments of the program.

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

White Wine Wisdom (2)

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."