Coffee House Visits T-Shirts

'I mean, the place went silent when I ordered decaf.'

Wifi in Hell

The prying mantis,

You've Had Enough!

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'You've had enough!'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"I'd say business was brisk."

"When it comes to good, old-fashioned roots music, this guy is the BEST!"

"There's no such thing as free wi-fi."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'Careful, this used to be hot.'

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

Dateline - Caf

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

I know why you're such a greedy, heartless scrooge, Armstrong. It's because deep down, you just want to be loved. But you're afraid of rejection, so you make yourself as unlovable as possible. That's the type of utter nonsense to expect from muscle-bound oaf who hadn't paid his tab in 13 years. I love you too, man. I hope you get audited.

Darlene? Rudy? I heard you might be hanging out here. I thought I'd come by just to say hello and see how you're doing. That's nice. Coffee King. I love you. Hence Coffee King. House of Java.

Bookstore-Cafe: Used Book/Day-Old Croissants

Hipster Coffee

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"Oh, that Jane. I thought you were talking about Jane Austen."

'The doctor says I gotta cut back on caffeine. I'd better skip the bottomless cup of coffee today, Phyllis.'

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

'So how would you like your coffee...Small, Large or Intravenous???'

Beet Poet

"Crumble an empire on that!"

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the 'grande' size anymore without a prescription.'

Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.

'Did you ever realize that we're really drinking coffee out of large sippy cups?'

It's the Dr. Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking nothing but Christmas-related calls. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem?! I'm an atheist. How come there's no national holiday for that? There is! It's called "Christmas"! The ads and the marketers have sucked everything religious out of it. Nothing in the Bible says "thou shalt shop." Good point.