Coffee Clubber Pillows

Brew 'N' Brouhaha

"When I said the coffee flowed like a river here at the office, I meant it literally."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

Pastry Hat

You've Had Enough!

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

The prying mantis,

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

Working Late

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Reading the sports pages.

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"It's an app that lets me know when I'm bored."

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

"Do kids eat free?"

The Walk of Shame

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'Do you want toast with that?'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).