Co-parent Pillows

'It's 10 PM - do you know where the father of your children is?'

'I have to take the kids to soccer. You'll have to take the doormat to work.'

"Can't you see? He needs both of us!"

"Mark is my partner in quality parenting."

"Shall we go talk with those au pairs?"

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

"You be the Boogey man tonight!"

"Mommy want you to have everything she had when she was growing up."

'It's something to wear when you're out with your Dad.'

'Can you look after the kids tonight?'

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

'Don't be embarrassed by your anti-barking collar, implanted tracking chip, and GPS device. Just think of them as fashion accessories.'

Constructing your own prison!

"And what did my little darling do in school today?"

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

The relay race

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

Base camp for Ed and Janet Wilson's courageous attempt to scale Mt. Blended Family.

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

"Where would young families be without grandparents as unpaid childminders?"

"You shouldn't have!"

'Talk about tough days.'

'You look down, son. You wanna rock about it?'

"Mommy, can I help you feed the troll?"

'Ask your other father.'

"I don't know who is more tired, the kids playing soccer, baseball, softball, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball and basketball, or me taking them."

"These are payments for babysitters, but it's more exciting to pretend I'm a drug dealer."

Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced...

'Stop nagging! I'm fathering.'

"I'm dealing with tweens at home and fiends at work."

'Mark, I think we need to discuss the nature of our relationship.'

'A cow is called 'productive livestock' because it gives milk. Parents are productive livestock, too, because they give pocket money.'

"Good evening. I am Martha's son by a previous marriage."

"Daddy, would you text me a bedtime story?"