Clipper Critic T-Shirts

'You know, our barber really sucks.'

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

'Mom, don't you understand? Those collars are symbols of subservience and repression!'

Reese Witherspoon

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"Try to get him away from that bloody whip...Pass it on."

Filling the Missile Gap

I hate sitting in traffic jams. - 'Move it! I need to get work.' - 'I hate sitting at my desk.' -

"Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that our TV cable?"

The suggestion box.

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

An acceptable level of TV violence.

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

The Real Russian history

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

'Any questions regarding our financial incentive program?'

"Well...I notice a little criticism on my leadership style..."

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

Cartoon Editor: No, No, No, No, No, No, Maybe.

"Oh, it's just a corny old bee movie."

Woody Allen

"But only during rehearsal."

"Every good scene in that move was in the coming attractions...why did we even bother to come watch it?"

"He thinks that if they really want to smash the stereotype then he should be a shoe-in for the next Bond."

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

'Too many cliches? Now hold your horses!'

"My therapist said next time he tries to put his head in my mouth I've to politely refuse"

'How do you like the new cubicle?' - 'Can I have my old office back please.'

"When did movies start being dumb all year round?"

'The author must have had film rights in mind when he chose the title.'