Critique Lovers T-Shirts

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

'You're quick to criticise, but slow to help.'

Filling the Missile Gap

Final words on gravestones.

An acceptable level of TV violence.

The Real Russian history

"Well...I notice a little criticism on my leadership style..."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

Cartoon Editor: No, No, No, No, No, No, Maybe.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Too many cliches? Now hold your horses!'

A man is looking at a sign saying Exhibition of art exhibition jargon.

Nutty Assistants

Art is a cruel mistress.

Editor

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

"Do you mind if I give you feedback?"

"I just love your use of lying"

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

Ezra Pound

Fake Diplomas

'I really don't see the point?'

'Didn't I read your last book, find it absolutely disgusting and vow never to read another, or was that someone else?'

"Your earlier work was better."

"Is it a witty and insightful exploration of the zeitgeist of 'boundaries' or is it in fact, the way out?"

"Well, the x-rays show you have a little arthritis in your hands, but mostly they're just poorly drawn."

'They always off the mom.'

"This is an intervention. It's clear that you've resumed your habit of reading the reviews."

"I had a bad review, so I'm only a 3-1/2 star general."

'African Idol': A bushman is receiving the judge's opinion which is:' Dat was bad . . . it sound nutting like watta buffeelow!'

"The technique is good, but somehow I feel that the artist didn't take enough time observing the subject."