Clinic Visitor With A Twist Pillows

"Doctor Smith your 12:30 pain in the neck is here."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

Barbeque Casualty.

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

Onion operation.

Hospital.

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"She's in room 334 but she's only allowed to see people who haven't annoyed her for 15 years."

"So what brings you in today?"

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Fertility clinic open day - Man holding balloons shaped like sperm.

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'They should have extra-small thermometers for Yorkies, Doctor!'

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

"The reason you haven't seen me lately is because I haven't been well..."

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

"May I keep my collar on?"

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

"Your sodium level is high...probably from taking everything you hear with a grain of salt!"

"I cancelled my last appointment without phoning the Doctor... so I'm making up for it by showing up without phoning!"

'Heroic stoicism has its rewards.'

The Fat-Free Mayo Clinic.

"Please fill out these medical forms, which are identical to the ones you filled out earlier online, and have the exact same questions your doctor will ask you later in the exam room."

'Very interesting... your blood pressure is 17 over 76.'

"And I suppost you've never had a friendly wager with a colleague?"

"...that's the way, aha aha I like it, aha aha....!"

Taking blood pressure

'The psychiatrist gives you 6 months to live - vicariously through other people.'

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."