Clinging Conversationalist Gifts

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

A lesson in wit

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Dog got your clog?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

Prisoner speech

"It's too good. I think it's going to be a forgery, not just a copy."

Bla Bla Bla

'He was too chatty. I don't like small talk. Too much gibber, not enough jabber.'