Clever Humorist Gifts

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"Let me introduce myself. I'm David."

"You're quite right...your wine cellar is extensive."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Football Chameleon

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Daffodil bulbs

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Fetch the Boomerang

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

Surreal Ale Pub.

'Vacuums!'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'