Cleaning Humor Fans Pillows

"No, no, you go on - I'm gonna spend some time on the bleach!"

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

Tequila Mockingbird

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Standard & Poor

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

'Guess who's teething?'

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Yakety-Yak

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.