Cleaning Humor Fans Pillows

"No, no, you go on - I'm gonna spend some time on the bleach!"

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'We found you in a cabbage!'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

Tequila Mockingbird

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

"Maybe I'm aiming too high...maybe 'saving for a cool car' is too hard."

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

This is the last time I ask Peterson to dust for prints.

Standard & Poor

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

"Don't go in there!!"

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Yakety-Yak

The first case of resume padding.

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

'Guess who's teething?'

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'