Classroom Conqueror Gifts

"That's my survival kit. It has a meditation tape, aspirin and rose-coloured glasses."

'Before I answer your question, let me briefly review my list of strategies for dealing with difficult people.'

'I tried everything to get my class to pay attention. I tried bribes, sarcasm, guilt, shame and threats. Nothing works! Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?'

'The path to becoming an astronaut is rougher than I thought.'

"I know you're as excited as I am about today's lesson!"

"While your lesson plans were perfect, and your bulletin boards were terrific...your classroom management skills need work!"

"I'm Billy's mother, and this is his attorney!"

"Isn't it great? I found little 'Classroom Mode' switches behind their ears."

"Now that the person chewing gum so loudly has finally stopped, perhaps we can all pay attention to what I'm doing here."

'I hate the first day of school.'

'Not only will it help him concentrate, but recent studies have shown that students who take Ritalin are 40 less likely to do drugs.'

'What did I learn today? Not to raise your hand if you don't know the answer because that's when the teacher calls on you.'

'Mrs. Wingit, what's the secret to teaching middle school for 30 years?'

"Until the face recognition software is installed I'm going to have a hard time remembering your names."

'Be innovative and prepared. Have clearly defined educational objectives for each lesson. Write legibly on the board. Be firm and fair. Now go. You have a class to teach.'

"First day of school and you've already got problem students?"

'Your first day of student teaching?'

'I hope she doesn't notice I got chocolate on my report.'

'I just can't take the eraser bits, the spit balls and the insults anymore!'

"Ugh....the kids are awful, the parents are mean and all I do in my free time correct papers. I hate my job!"

"OK, this is the year I get serious! No more messing around! It's time to hunker down! Success begins in the classroom! Here it is!"

“Honestly class, where are your minds?!”

"I have a classroom full of rude, undisciplined rowdies! I hate parent-teacher night!"

"But playing computer games help my. . . uh. . . dexterity, so I can do my school work better!"

'Teaching gets easier the further you get from the class room.'

'I'm having a hard time balancing homework and family time.'

'I wish I could hold my third period class in a steel cage.'

After eight months of lugging heavy backpacks around, Mr. Cranwell's students felt brave enough to tell him to stuff his huge homework assignments.

'You waved a white flag?2

'Your first day of student teaching?'

'I'd like to challenge the test.'

'Sorry professor, my mind was some other place.'

"I knew there'd be pitfalls when I became a teacher, but thirty to a classroom is too many."

"I find parent-teacher nights exhausting: I have kids in pretty much every class..."

'That's the last time I take 3B!'