Classroom Captain Gifts

'Before I begin today's lesson, please close Facebook, close Twitter, close Instagram, close your phones, and open your minds.'

'I try to instill a boundless sense of curiosity, and awe for science or, at the very least, a promise to remove all ear buds and turn off all music when entering the classroom.'

'I nominated you for class mother elections and you won.'

I'm in the den mom, reading the newspaper for social studies class.

'We have so many meetings on how to teach better, we don't have time to teach at all.'

With no clear winner, the 7th grade Class President debate came down to a tie breaker.

Cameron to improve school discipline - 'Stop arguing about David Cameron's leadership.'

Mr. Douglas was a little concerned about the new kid's ability to focus.

Too much homework: kid with two backpacks.

'By a show of hands and bags under your eyes, who thinks that I give too much homework?'

Teacher Tips

"Bobby does have a tendency to be a bit active!"

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

"If a third grader knows the answer, how much of a problem can it really be?"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Good girl, Carol - now hands up all those who have lost their pens.'

'Your classroom management techniques work in practice but not in theory. That worries me.'

The full moon frenzy strikes again."

Children's education

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

'This handheld computer is very useful for teaching. It displays my lesson plan, calander, key files, and an extensive menu of put-downs for hecklers and classroom clowns.'

"If something that doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, then I should be Atlas!"

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

'While outsourcing is a common business practice, you may not ousource your research and homework assignments, Fletcher.'

'Life isn't fair and neither is Miss Brown!'

The Giamatti era

'Actually, nowadays it's considered offensive to call an answer 'wrong'.'

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"I've heard of being organized, but isn't this a little obsessive compulsive?"

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

Teacher getting the childrens attention by pretending to be on television.

Teacher's pet dog

'Well, when you mess up on the job, you know where you stand with me.'

"'How to Buy Tickets on Bezos' Spaceship so You Can Live to See Your Teens,' by Chloe Butler."

The History Teacher