Class Satirist Gifts

Will tip for service.

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"I sincerely hope you learned a lesson this time, Mark. Drawing cartoons on your homework will get you nowhere in life."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"We're going to build in Rhinebeck, once Steven finds the right brick."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'Think Basics.'

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"