Clairvoyant Humorist Gifts

Big Medium

"You're second sighted."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

Asking out a palm reader.

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

Quantum Psychic

"You're solemates!"

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

Large print e-book.

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

Madame Lucille - Fortune Teller 'I predict the future'.

'I see you in five years from now, you're still coming to see me. Do you want me to book the appointments in advance?'

"Finally, Miss Big-Shot calls her dead mother!"

Psychic to Leylandii tree - 'You will reach great heights.'

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

"So how much money have you made from your psychic hotline business?"

"I see a girl, I see a marriage, I see her not understanding you, I see a beer belly. Do you want me to go on?"

"We're having a special today on bright futures."

'It's Blurred.'

"Oh, it's you, I'm glad I picked up.You wouldn't believe how many annoying telepathicmarketing calls I get."

'Could you ask him where he left the remote?'

"The only thing I'm sensing is an entrepreneurial spirit."

"A new set of dentures! Is that it?"

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

'I really don't know how you got here with your life line!'

'I can't say what the market's going to do, but you're going to have fourteen children.'

"You are going to meet a beautiful young lady at a biology lesson. . ."

Ill next Thursday

"Your husband says BOO!"