Churchgoer With A Climate Conscience Pillows

"While Ralph was fine with discussing climate change in church, he often wished it would focus more on turning down the damn thermostat."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Let us pray...'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"Amen. Please help me up."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Baptism Then and Now

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"I have an app for that."

CCTV in church.

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."